The Mature Relationship – Donna Quesada Schollhammer

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We Now Speak Up—

by Donna Quesada Schollhammer: This article applies to those of us who did not marry our high-school sweetheart and did not stay together forever. This is for those of us who either outgrew our first choice, or outgrew ourselves and who we were when we set up house the first time around.

We are the post-divorce, post-menopause, post mid-life crisis group. We’ve got our own houses, bank accounts and resources, grown kids, and a highly developed bullshit detector that comes from hard-earned experience.

What this all means in practical terms, is that in a budding love relationship, we are more likely to rise up and speak up when something isn’t working for us. We’ll say things like “This isn’t in alignment with who I really am,” or… “The universe is sending me a very clear message that I can not ignore.” Or, we’ll speak in terms of energy, and say something like “This is becoming a drain on my energetic reserves.”

It sounds funny… except it’s true, for the simple reason that we’re no longer troubled about keeping our mouths shut just to save face or prevent discomfort. We have learned to say what’s on our mind for the first time. It’s like a rebirth.

What’s Really Happening; The Three Brains at Work—

My spiritual teacher always spoke of

: The Head Brain, The Heart Brain, and The Gut Brain. When we’re young and in love, not only do we lack experience to help us recognize potential problems and patterns, but we lead ourselves innocently with our blameless hearts.

The Heart Brain is a hopeless romantic and optimist. Our head brain isn’t in our bodies yet. It lives in the form of our elders, who watch from the sidelines… wondering if they should intervene by force, even though we won’t listen, or let us fall on our faces and learn our own lessons.

When we come back around again to a romantic relationship later in life, our Heart Brain is still smitten and enchanted, but it now works in tandem with our Head Brain, which has since taken up residence in our own bodies.

The Head calculates whether the pattern that is emerging will likely continue happening in the future. It shows you what your Heart, in its guiltless bliss, could not see. When they tell you they love you, the Heart, unchaperoned, waxes nostalgic and conveniently doesn’t see any red flags. But the Head sees.

In Zen, there is a proverb: “Chop wood carry water,” which serves as a humbling reminder that enlightenment doesn’t magically turn life into a fairy tale in which no one has to work and pay taxes anymore. We still have to chop wood and carry water. The point is that these tasks are no longer the point. Our state of mind is the point. Our inner state of being brings peace to the external actions that we carry out each day.

The same is true for “the mature relationship.” We are now operating differently on the inside. We’re more confident, more self-aware, and less likely to fool ourselves or let ourselves be fooled. We recognize things we would’ve missed before, like controlling tendencies, boundary issues, or even addictive leanings. The Heart Brain and the Head Brain work together like two wings on a jet plane.

And we know things we didn’t know before, for example… maybe it really is naive to think we can find everything in one person. So, we don’t try. There’s that certain friend for tea and sympathy, and the one that pulls no punches, when candid advice is needed. We have realistic expectations and we know ourselves well enough at this point, to know what we need, what we can live with and what we can’t.

The Gut Brain is that peculiar inner voice that comes from some place deeper down. He doesn’t offer up arguments and evidence, like The Head Brain. He’s not starry-eyed, like the Heart Brain. He speaks in little nudges. He’s the one that says things like “the universe is telling me to move on.” The Gut Brain recognizes that a bad love match is like fast food… It is food. But it will not sustain you for long.

it will leave you feeling devoid of nourishment. The full feeling is a cheap one. You won’t feel nurtured, protected and adored. As politically incorrect as it is to say it, it isn’t enough. It isn’t good enough.

But it doesn’t mean it was all a waste of time. I’ve come to see that sometimes passing relationships are more about YOU getting to know YOU, than anything else. In other words, sometimes certain relationships invite an aspect of ourselves to come out… a part of us that was in hiding, finally gets liberated. And then we move on because that was the purpose of this particular relationship. They’re not all suppose to be for forever.

Often, we’re not thinking in those terms though, and we hold on because… it’s LOVE. Sometimes we hold on because we’re just in love with love… In love with the feeling… In love with the fun…in love with the dream… in love with the excitement, and in love with the romance.

Whatever its purpose, immature relationships have their moment. But, in a truly mature relationship, you know the difference—because The Heart, The Brain, and The Gut are all working together. You’re in a place where you can appreciate the qualities that are actually there, you have your eyes wide open, and are unwilling to settle for less.