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Ever had one of those awkward moments when you’re talking with (or messaging with) someone who is struggling with an acute or chronic crisis (a terminal illness, recent loss of a loved one, a severe bout of depression etc), and you don’t know what to say?
I’m guessing it happens to most of us pretty regularly. And in some cases there are no ‘right words’. The internet is full of unhelpful advice on what not to say, but its suggestions on what to say are mostly lame, iffy, or just plain awful.
My sense is that the most helpful advice is probably to start by trying to put yourself in that person’s shoes (I know, you can’t really do that, but you can make your best effort) and ask yourself what you think you would like them to say to you if the circumstances were reversed.
When I overhear people offering condolences, sympathy, or expressions of intended compassion, they almost always start with “I” and refer mostly to the speaker’s feelings rather than the situation the sufferer is dealing with. I’m certainly guilty of that. The last thing anyone dealing with a horrific situation wants to hear is “I know what you’re going through”, or minimizing statements like “It could have been worse…”, or “At least…”.
I’m not even sure that condolences that start with “I’m sorry…” are terribly useful or even appropriate (though this can depend on the situation, the people involved, and how the sentiment is conveyed). Usually, in those moments, this is not about you, thank you.
I am the first to acknowledge that while I think I am capable of compassion, I am pretty incapable of empathy. Not only can I not pretend I fully emotionally relate to another’s terrible suffering (I can’t ‘know’ what they’re going through or how they’re feeling), I don’t particularly want to try to know exactly how they’re feeling. My feeling awful is, I rationalize, incapacitating and not at all helpful to someone who is feeling awful.
There are no “right words”, but perhaps there are some clues as to what might land more compassionately and usefully than the usual lame clichés. Here are a few, gleaned from a bunch of reading and some personal recollections, that seem to me better candidates than most, depending very much on the particular circumstances:
- “I’m here for you…” (less clichéd and impersonal than “You’re not alone in dealing with this…”). Of course it has to be something you’re genuinely prepared to act on; if it’s a lie, it’s worse than saying nothing.
- “You don’t have to say anything, but I’m here if you want to talk”. Same caveat.
- “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but it sounds really hard for you.”
- “How are you feeling?”… as long as you don’t demand or expect an answer if the sufferer doesn’t want to (or can’t) respond, for any of many possible reasons.
- “I admire your capacity/ability to deal with this”. Without further elaboration.
- “You don’t have to apologize…”. When people are in agony, they may be unable to do things they could normally do, or they may express their anger/fear/frustration in ways that will then make them feel ashamed and hence feel even worse. Your capacity to appreciate that and not judge can be helpful.
- “Anything we might do quietly together such as…?” Your mere presence may be helpful to the sufferer (then again, it may not, as some people just prefer to be alone, and that’s not a reflection on you, so a ‘no’ response, or no response at all, is not an invitation for you to pursue the offer further). And the “such as…” can be helpful if the sufferer isn’t up for coming up with ideas themselves on what to do.
- “Would it be helpful if I…?” Again, this can be OK as long as this is a genuine offer, and the asker is willing to accept an alternate suggestion, or a “no thanks” response, or no response at all, to the offer.
- “What’s helped before in this situation?” Can help, if used carefully, with people dealing with chronic issues like depression or relapsing illness.
- “You don’t have to pretend you’re OK around me.” or “It’s OK to be scared/sad/angry…”. As long as it’s genuine and not presumptuous or condescending.
- “Thank you for…” Everyone likes to be appreciated and acknowledged, even (perhaps especially) if they’re feeling really down.
- “It will only be awful for a while”. This one’s tricky, because it can provoke an expression of anger or disbelief, rather than reassurance, but it can work in the right circumstances. Such as when you know it really will only be awful for them for a while.
- “You/they have made such a difference to me/the world.” A different sort of appreciation, especially in rare circumstances of extreme bereavement or imminent death. Like all of the above, use with care.
Sometimes, it’s enough (and perhaps the only thing you can helpfully do) to just be there, listen, pay attention, and acknowledge with a nod or other spoken or body gesture that you hear them. I confess I’m terrible at this. Protracted silence is often excruciating for me (and I’m inclined to rush to fill it, unhelpfully). And when the sufferer recognizes how awkward this is for me, that can actually make them feel worse. None of this is easy. And sometimes (and not always obviously) what would make the sufferer least uncomfortable would be your absence.
And one last idea, that has often, sometimes inexplicably, worked well for me in these situations: Sharing a happy memory of something that you and they did together, or, in the case of bereavement, a happy memory you have about the person whose loss they are grieving.
No ‘right words’. But sometimes ‘less awful’ is the best we can do, and better than doing nothing.
